Being Triggered

Before I was officially diagnosed with PTSD I woud get triggered and be submerged in ice cold flashbacks while standing in a room of people looking totally normal. I must have been pretty good at faking it because no one knew I was having a full on, internal panic attack while staring another military spouse straight in the eyes. I would later learn about masking and how that was what I was doing for multiple decades just to survive.

I would pretend I was fine, a few hours later I would be sobbing in the back on my closet trying to hide the "fact" that I was damaged goods, from the people in my life. I did not understand what was happening to me. However I was pretty sure this was not normal and most people don't ugly sob while mentally screaming at themselves "why can't you just get through one damn day without falling apart?"

Now when they happen I am aware that I am having a triggered flashback moment and I need some space.

When being triggered you re-live that moment or moments of being abused or assaulted. Your body is convinced that you are in danger and goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Not to be condicending but to be thurough. Fighting meaning you are fighting for your life. Flight running for your life. Freeze being paralyzed with fear. Finally fawn is when you are appeasing the person threatening you in order to survive.

Sometimes the triggers were paralyzing. Once while in bed, with my safe loving partner, early in the morning, he began to get intimate with me. He was hoping that I would turn to face him and recipricate. I couldn't. I was literally frozen with intense fear. I could not speak, or move, or do anything to even indicate that I did not want this. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears so loud that there was no other sound in existance.

When I did not respond, I could tell he felt frustrated but he got out of bed and left the room. I didn't know what he thought. Hell I didn't really know what I thought. I was just solid as a board and immobilized. I now know that I was in the "freeze" state.

Moments later I remember feeling ashamed. Like I had let him down, and why did that happen? I didn't know that I was experiencing a flashback/trigger moment. All I could think was, how much I hated myself for being broken.

It has taken me many years of practicing being self aware to know when I am triggered and I need to take steps to protect myself from the damage of going into full on fight or flight mode. I do my best to look ahead at movies to see if there is any sexual abuse or rape in them. I'll check out book reviews before I read them to make sure I'm not going to get triggered. Right now Pintrest has become a problem. I keep getting pins in my feed or soldiers abusing the women they've captured, or AI pins where grown men are "romancing" little girls. Also I'm very grateful to have a group of friends who look out for me. They'll text me to say "Hey this (book/movie/tv show) is not for you." Finally this may sound like a buzz kill to some but absolutely NO porn. I'm not sure whats wrong with the world, but being abusive is aparently a turn on for the porn community. I stopped watching porn many years ago when I stumbled accross a video of a man abusing a child. Now that video lives in my mind with the abuse I have survived and it pops into my head sometimes. I literally traumatized myself for a cheap thrill. Not worth it.

When I am triggered I feel a wave of numbness wash over me. I can almost feel myself leave my own body. Like my mind is escaping the reality of what is happening. My head will get hot, and my heart races. I now know it's time to:

1. Remove myself from the current situation or environment.

2. Go somewhere that is safe and familiar (I still go to my closet but, now I have a cozy floor chair and blanket in there for exactly this occasion.)

3. Practice butterfly breathing usually while smelling something calming. The more of your senses you can incorporate the better. I wear an essentail oil bracelet that has a comforting smell in it. You can use a diffuser, or blanket that smells soothing. Whatever works for you is what is right in this situation.

4. I am an auditory person. I will toss some binural beats in my earbuds, that also play calming music.

5. Stay there butterfly breathing, listening, and smelling for as long as it takes to slow my heart rate and be ok again. Sometimes it's 1 minute, other times it's a very long time. It depends on the intensity of the trigger.

Hang in there friend. You're in good company.