My Therapy Experience

Trigger warning self harm and suicidal ideation

When the thoughts in your head are mostly painful, negative self talk, anxiety inducing, and sprinkled with intrusive images, it's past time to seek a good therapist.

Here is my therapy journey, and what I've gained from it. What I've learned from having over 10 therapist in multiple states, and what I did once I graduated from therapy.

At the age of 13 my mom caught me self harming and finally found out I was regularly staring at a gun when no one was home because, in a hurry to get out of her room, I left it on the floor once. Instead of talking to me about it becuase, she had yet to address her own trauma, she hired someone else to talk to me. And so my therapy journey began.

The Rough Beginning.

My first therapist was a man which in hindsite, I now understand why I made very little progress. I was a child who had been sexually abused by mulitiple people. Maybe putting me alone in a room, with a man I had never met, and telling me to trust him, was a bad idea. Once I got old enough to have my own insurance I sought a new therapist. However, I did not know that there are a many different types of therapists out there. First I accidentally set an appointment with a sex therapist who told me I had come to the wrong place. Then I made the massive mistake of going to a church based counselor who shamed me for being sexually active before marriage. Because having sex forced on me as a child was a choice that I made. When I started college I tried going to the on campus therapists, who were grad students practicing their skills. When the first one I had, asked me to tell her what happened to me and I explained how I was raped and her response was, "Is that it?" Leaving me feeling as if I had no right to feel terrfied, shamed, and broken becuase my painful experience wasn't bad enough for her.

Looking back I am honestly shocked I ever went back. For me though, I have always had this knowing that I am amazing and that my trauma was holding me back from being the woman I knew I was meant to be. So I refused to give up and at the time, this was the only path to healing I knew about.

The Part Where I Had a Clue and Made Progress

Finally I started my college degree as a mental health conselor and got some guidence on what I needed and who to look for in a therapist.

What I needed was a counselor who specialized in PTSD, was a woman, and had experience.

Even knowing what I actually needed, I still had to sift through some bad fits. I moved to a red state, most therapists tried to shove their religion down my throat. After being raped trusting an "all powerful man who let this happen to me," Was not ok with me. I fired mulitple therapists becuase of this alone.

When I finally found a therapist that I felt comfortable with, who helped me feel heard and understood, progress happened. I was able to identify my traumas and the responses/ unhealthy coping methods I had created as a result. I was able to acknowledge what I was doing that hurt me and that I needed to do something healthier instead.

But What The Heck Am I Supposed To Do Now?

As a therapy client I wish someone had told me what our goal was. What were we trying to achieve by sitting on this velvet blue couch, making conversation for an hour? What was the damn point?

When you first start therapy the goal is mostly to sus out what got you to this point in your life. What happened in your life to make you need to talk to a therapist in the first place. Even saying the words out loud, "I was raped." is progress.

I could tell you my trauma, where it started, and see that I was being self destructive. But I had no idea what I should do instead.

What To Do Instead

After spending many years educating myself on anything that could possibly help me deal with overwhelm, intense fear, and depression; I have figured out the coping skills that help me. I hope that you try some and learn what works for your uniqe heart and gain some confidence and relief.

The best ones are boring but I absoluelty swear by them. Basic self care. Please do not roll your eyes and move on. Giving your body the basics of what you need to function well, is a big part of healing. First having a body that functions well will process trauma better than someone who is dehydrated, exhausted, and can barely move.

• Drink enough water (half of yourbody weight in ounces.) For example If you weigh 150 pounds you need to drink at least 75 ounces of water per day.

  • Body weight/2=number of ounces.

• Get at least 7 hours of sleep pernight, up to 9. This one is SO important especially if you have PTSD. The human brain processes trauma in your sleep, making chemical adjustments, dreams, and story telling. This gives you the ability to compartmentalize your trauma.

  • No screens an hour before bed.

    • Read, color, draw, sew, make a cup of tea, meditate, take a bath or shower, prepare yourself and your home for the next day while listening to a peaceful audio book. Just keep it calm, low light, and relaxing.

• Move your body. Even a walk can alter your brain chemistry within minutes. Working out promotes new braincell growth. Deep stress like trauma, causes brain dysfunction. Depression is shown to reduce the size of your hippacampus. Exercise literally grows your brain. This means better ability to process trauma.

  • Whats the best workout to do? The one you actually do. Find any form of movement that you enjoy and do it regularly. At least 3 times per week. But do some form of movement every day. Indoor walking pads are a great way to get your steps in when you can't go outside. Pop on a movie or show that makes you laugh and walk while you watch it.

• Eat mostly vegitables, protein, then fruit and nuts. I'm not saying you can never eat a sweet treat, but the majority of your diet needs to help your body heal and self regulate. At one point I realized that my anxiety was going through the roof around mid morning, after I finished my morning coffee. My anxiety would spike and I would begin the rollercoaster of emotions that happen when you ride the caffine high, then hit the bottom when its over. A caffeine buzz it not worth being emotionally unstable.

  • I have also found that alcohol was not doing me any favors. It increased the instensity of my emotions and lowered my self control. I would say and do things before thinking them through. Then I would sleep like crap, and wake up the next day feeling deep shame and regret. So I quit drinking. I struggle enough with self worth on a good day, no need to add more shame to the pile.

• Be kind to yourself. The number one source of love in your life should come from you. You showing your body, mind, and spirit kindness. Be patient with yourself as you become a new person who is overcoming such heavy trauma. The next time you think, I hate my body, or what the hell is wrong with me? Remember you are fighting to regain the parts of you that were taken from you, and you can't do that by being mean to yourself. Focus on what you love about you. Genuinely.

  • Today my eyes look really pretty

  • I am so creative

  • Today I ate a carrot!

I have an entire page dedicated to ways to cope and heal. please dig through the articles and do what speaks to your heart.

Therapy is an important part of the healing process and in my humble opinion should not be skipped. Find a therapist https://www.betterhelp.com is a great place to start. You can find someone who specializes in PTSD and sexual trauma, has flexible hours, and if the first one doesn't work out, it's easy to find another one that is a good fit.

Hang in there friend. You're in good company.