PTSD The Glass Wall
This is what is standing between you and the life you want to live.
What Living Behind The Glass Wall Is Like
What is the glass wall? I’ve spent the majority of my life behind this enormous layer of…. Something. When I was a kid I remember realizing it was there. Everyone around me was having fun and laughing but I just couldn’t get into it. Like a part of me was holding back.
Even in my most intimate moments I felt like I was observing myself doing things but, never really able to just be there. Not able to be the person doing the things. Especially during sex. I could not be present during sex because, even though I wanted to, my PTSD would not allow me to feel safe during these moments.
My whole life was the McKenzie show. Watch McKenzie go to school. Watch McKenzie laugh with her friends. Every once and a while I would have a rare moment of getting to actually be McKenzie. Then I would have a thought like, “Oh wow that was nice.” Then it would go away and I would be back in observer mode again.
What The Glass Wall Actually Is
The technical term is dissociation. Dissociation is the mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories, and or sense of identity.
Many if not all survivors of sexual assault first experienced this when they were assaulted. A lot of survivors tell their story saying things like, “I remember floating on the ceiling while it happened.” Or in my case, I completely blacked out and couldn’t even remember it happening until 3 years later.
This is a smart process your brain uses to protect you from a traumatic experience.
The problem is when it never stops. Having CPTSD or PTSD now means you are constantly on high alert. No matter where you are, who you are with, or what time of day.
For example if you were a meerkat or prairie dog, while everyone else is running around, finding food, and wrestling, you are the one on the top of the hill, on the look out for danger. ALWAYS.
I have even had this be the state I’m in while sleeping. In order for me to sleep, because I am on constant high alert, I hear everything, smell everything, even see everything. No seriously, I have to cover every single tiny light in my room with electrical tape because for me, they might as well be a light house. I sleep with an eye mask, earplugs, white noise, and essential oil diffuser on. Or I just can’t sleep. Our bodies are using all of our senses to scan for danger at all times.
How Dissociation/ The Glass Wall Screws Up Your Life
To put it simply, you don’t get to be the one living your life. Being in a constant state of dissociation means never being present for the bad and the good.
I’ve had the precious privilege of getting to be a mom, but because of my unending need to look out for danger, I have missed deeply important moments in my kids' lives. My mind just could not stay in the here and now. People I love have held my hand though important moments that I barely remember because I lived in a permanent place of fear and threat assessment.
Being mentally “gone” can even become comfortable. We do it all the time and we live in a world that encourages it. There truly is no end to the doom scrolling, tv show options, youtube video feed, podcasts, and books. All of these things take you out of present reality.
The rock bottom of it is when you are fighting to stay dissociated from your body. I have lost myself to alcohol, and prescribed drugs, in order to not face my internal suffering. Being in this place of wanting to stay dissociated almost cost me my life on more than one occasion. Being at rock bottom and nearly losing everything is what finally shook me awake. I realized I can stay behind the glass and never really look my kids in the eyes and feel connected to them, never really feel loved by my husband, or I can stand the fuck up, again, and face this.
How To Fix Dissociation
Anytime you are making changes in your life, give yourself love, and patience. Change isn’t easy for most people and you deserve gentle kindness as you battle the PTSD monster.
Practice being present. Like all skills we develop in life it’s gonna take practice. Just 5 minutes a day of being present. No distractions, no phone, tv, music, people. Just sit still for 5 minutes and feel your heart beating, and your breath going in and out. In this stage of growing and learning, don’t worry too much about what your mind is doing, simply sit still with no distractions for 5 minutes. It can be uncomfortable and so tempting to pick up the phone, but DON’T DO IT. Give this strange little gift to yourself and don’t let anyone take it from you. Once you become comfortable with 5 minutes, up to 6 and keep increasing it as you see fit. Do this daily, until you feel ready to up your game and start true meditation. MEDITATION LINK
Be present when you are talking to people you love and feel safe with. Put your phone face down and don’t touch it. Look them in the eyes, really focus on the words they are saying. Don’t start coming up with your response until they are finished speaking. It won’t come easy at first but with persistence you will become good at this. You’ll probably even notice a change in them too. It feels different when you know someone actually cares enough to hear you. While growing up my mom would get this glazed look in her eyes when I spoke to her. I knew she was “gone” and nothing I said from that point forward would matter. I NEVER wanted to do this to my kids. So I fight for consciousness for them, and for me.
Practice being present while doing everyday tasks. I hated this one at first. I do not want to be present for folding laundry, yard work, or dishes. I would plug myself into an audio book or podcast and check the hell out. However, once I took out my earbuds, and paid attention to my dog while I played fetch I noticed something wonderful. She is so smart. Playing fetch with her was an act of love to her. Being with her in that moment honestly gives me real joy.
Now I love being present in my garden. It is my safe space and if I was mentally checked out I would miss the millions of tiny miracles that happen all round me. Bumble bees gathering pollen, lady bugs protecting my plants from aphids, the new flowers blooming in my blackberry bush. Those everyday miracles are what make a life worth living, and if you stay behind the glass wall you will miss them.
You deserve joy, peace, and love. Give those things to yourself and be here. Really be HERE. Start small in safe spaces, and with time you will crave presence because it can be freedom.
Hang in there, friend. You are in good company
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