Day to Day Life With PTSD

Every morning I wake up and the waterfall of thoughts begin. While I was in the thick of my worst days the first thoughts would immidiately set my heart racing. "The world hates women." "How am I going to protect your daughters from men?" "I wish I wasn't awake."

Some days I am able to challenge those thoughts and put my train of thought on a different path. Somedays I just can't seem to get out of it. PTSD thinking can feel like an all consuming one way track that has no alternatives.

I think, "Here we go again." I motor through the steps of making coffee and what I am planning for the day but, I know that I am already on edge. I know when I leave this room I will have to face my kids and try to keep it together.

I am already afraid of myself.

I know that at the very beginning of this day I am already a volcano that could explode at any moment and the lava inside of me is intense fear, anger, sadness, and frustration that could hit my loved ones. I try to breathe through this overwhleming moment. It's only 7:30 am.

I want to desperately to be the mom that my kids deserve. A mom who is present, kind, patienet, and thoughtful. Slow deep breaths.

I open my bedroom door to the living room and my heart begins to pound again, and my brain scatters into a million simultaneous thoughts: "I left dishes in the sink, good moms don't leave dishes in the sink."

"There is my kiddo! I love her so much. Why is there Sharpie on the couch?"

I think "It's ok, slow deep breaths. I'll look up how to remove Sharpie from the couch."

My oldest daughter wants to talk to me. "Good morning mom, guess what I did!"

Her mouth is moving but I can't hear her, I am thinking and it's always so loud. "By the time I was her age I had already been molested 4 times. I'm so glad shes never been hurt like that. They keep making laws that are trying to turn her into protperty and take away her rights. What am I going to do? How am I going to protect her? I got her into martial arts thats a good start, but what about the world she's going to live in? Will she ever have a partner who sees her as a person and not a "vessel" to be used for reproduction?"

"Mom! mom! Are you even listening to me?"

I snap out of this eyes glazed over moment and see her again. "I'm sorry baby, I didn't sleep well last night."

I can't remember the last time I slept the whole night through, becuase I was raped in my bed when I was alseep, the idea of my bed scares me. The idea of feeling safe enough to close my eyes makes my breathing heavy. I took bendryl every night becuase if I didn't I would never sleep. Sleep equals vulnerable, which equals danger.

In the kitchen I start making breakfast, my youngest wants to help. We get eggs out of the fridge and she drops them. Eruption.

"I work so damn hard to make a clean home, why can't you just put the eggs on the conuter! Just leave I'll cook breakfast myself."

She starts to cry and runs from the room. I am ticked off cleaning the floor, tears pour out of my face while I scrub.. I am sobbing on the kitchen floor next to a dozen broken eggs.

I am thinking, "I am a horrible mom. I've already damaged my kids. If I was dead they could have a new mom. A mom who isn't broken. A mom who can handle a few fucking broken eggs. WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING SO HARD?!"

Both my kids are hiding in their rooms. They know mom isn't going to be fun to be around today. Better to stay away.

It's only 8:00 am

A few hours later my husband hugs me. My whole body is tight as a drum and has been for hours. I hug him back. He slides his hands accross my waist and now I am suddenly in a full on flash back. I can't move, I just stand still and hold onto him. I think, "This is your husband. He's safe he would never hurt you." My body doesn't believe me. My heart is racing, adrenaline is coursing through me, and I want to run, or fight, or I can't breath. I just want to breathe.

"Hey are you ok?" He asks

I smile, "Yeah I'm just tierd. I didn't sleep good last night. I need to go to the bathroom."

I hide in the bathroom and cry.

The time is 10:00 am

By the time evening rolls around I have spent an entire day smiling and pretending I'm fine when on the inside I've been at war with myself.

When I was assaulted, it was in my bed while I was sleeping under a mountain of blankets. Needless to say, going to bed was kind of terrifying. There have been times I've stood beside my bed and just stared at it. Knowing that I desperatly need sleep but, I'm afraid to fall asleep and be vulnerable. Another side effect of this reality is, I can't stay alseep. In the begining, every singular sound made me wake up ready to fight for my life. My husband coming into our room to go to bed would have my heart pounding, leaving me wide awake and impossible to go back to sleep. As it turns out, sleep is vital for processing trauma. A big reason I was unable to make progress for so long.

I've had so many days like this. Every moment is hard. Every thought is trying to alert me of the constant danger me and my children are in. Overwhelming does not even begin to describe what it is like to live in an endless stream of thoughts screaming at you, "Your life is in danger!"

If this seems familiar, fighting for each breath, and the dream of a calm mind, so you can actually be with the people you love, you are not alone.

There are millions of us. Each of us has our own version of this. Each of us is on a journey out of the nightmare of PTSD, and each of us has the ability to get through to the other side.

Getting through a moment of being triggered.

It takes one moment at a time. Recognizing when this moment is too much, telling the people you love that you need some space, breathing slowly for at least 10 breaths to bring your heart rate down. Reminding yourself, in this moment you are safe. Then you have to prove it to yourself, by being in this present moment and not in the flashback of the past. Are you in danger right now? No. Are you in a safe space? Yes.

Name 5 things I see

Name 4 things I hear

Name 3 things I feel

Name 2 things I smell

In the beginging of my healing, I spent so much of the day doing this over and over again. I still do it sometimes. Sometimes I had to do it in my head because I was in the middle of a crowd. I have done this in bathrooms stalls, my closet, my car, laying in bed at night.

Every day has different challenges and in the begnining this is what my days looked like. If this sounds familiar you are not alone.

Hang in there friend. You are in good company.